Home Articles Menu

Valid HTML 4.01 Valid CSS!

Beginners Guide to Cyber Sex


This beginners guide is about cybersex; that is to say, describing certain sexual activities online, either in a multi-user roleplay game, or on Internet Relay Chat (IRC). The guide is my view on how best to do it, what not to do etc. and is based on over a decade of doing cybersex.

Some people view cybersex as a poor third to 'real' sex and condemn anyone who takes part in it, often labelling them as poor sad individuals who can't get a boy/girl friend in 'real life'. Unsurprisingly, this isn't a viewpoint that I agree with, since I have always found it an enjoyable way to spend time with other people, and I have no problems at all with 'real life' sex, thank you very much! I do however agree that it's not a replacement for the physical activity, but then, I don't regard cybersex in that light anyway. It's a completely different experience, and in my opinion (and everything in this guide is just my opinion) a very enjoyable one; it's not a replacement for sex, it's an addition to it!

What exactly is cybersex then?

Hmm, straight into the difficult questions huh? Well, it's any situation, on a game or in a channel or pm (private message) which involves you and at least one other person engaging in descriptively written sexual activities. This is mainly, but not always limited to purely on screen activities, though it may also involve masturbation in real life by any of the participants, known or unknown to their cyber partner(s). For me, it doesn't include questions such as 'what are you wearing this evening?', unless those questions relate to the role that the person is playing. That role may well be almost identical to that of the person engaged in cybersex, but I don't see any reason why a 5' blond woman shouldn't be playing a 6' man.

How do I find someone to have cybersex with?

Depends on where you're looking, to be honest, and how clued into other people's signals you are. Some online games positively encourage cybersex (don't ask me which ones, since I'm out of touch with online games these days, you'll have to find out for yourself!), while others turn a blind eye to them, or positively discourage it. Some IRC channels are designed for scening, while others are definitely not - if you're in any doubt, ask one of the ops of the channel for advice on it. Don't assume that all games and all channels will be happy with it, because they won't. If in doubt, ask!

However, we'll proceed on the basis that you're in a channel, or on an online game where it's ok. Once again, simply because it's ok, doesn't mean that everyone on the channel is interested in playing with you, or that they are fair game. It's as rude to go up and grope someone uninvited on a channel as it would be at your local pub; at the very least you'll get a sharp warning, at worst, you'll get kicked and possibly banned. So a subtle, thoughtful and considerate approach is best.

First of all, get to know people in the channel or on the game system. You wouldn't expect to have sex with someone you'd only just met (well, not usually any way!), so don't expect to when you're online. (Having said that, it is possible to end up having cybersex within a few minutes of meeting someone; I think my record is about 5 minutes! Just don't expect it, that's all.) When you've got to know people a little bit, you'll know those who like to play around in a channel and scene, though this may not be sexual in nature. They might just like describing what they're doing, such as sitting down in a comfortable chair, or getting a drink or whatever. However, this again doesn't mean that they want cybersex - many people just like to do things of that nature for general atmosphere, and in fact some submissives enjoy serving just for the pleasure of it; it doesn't mean that they want to take things further.

However, you can always test the water by offering to get involved in the scene that they are playing out, simply by asking. For example, if a lady is scening to the effect that her suspenders are hurting, you could always ask if you could help sort them out. Or if someone is looking up your skirt, you might smile at him, and raise it a little bit higher. As with life, cyber sex contacts are made up of lots of little gestures over time, which build up into a message saying 'Yes, lets!'.

When you've reached an initial understanding with someone, and you might have played a little bit in public areas or in an open channel, it may be preferable to go to a quiet room in a game (often rooms are used almost exclusively for such play), or in a private message chat with someone. Don't forget; while you've having a great time, not everyone else wants to watch, so you need to be aware of your surroundings. Once again, if in doubt, ask a channel op in IRC or an immortal in a game for advice.

When you're both off somewhere together, once again, don't assume that it's a free for all. While cybersex can be very liberating, allowing you to do things that you don't do normally, or can't do, or you want to explore something different, what you want to do may not appeal to the person that you're with; just like in real life. In general terms people tend to be liberal in what they get up to, but don't just assume it. You may want to sit and chat for a while first, and ask the other person what they'd like to do, or (like me) just play it by ear.

Enough already! How do I DO cybersex?

Sounds like an easy question, but in fact, to do it properly requires considerable thought, preparation, empathy and visualisation. It also requires an ability to be able to 'read' your partner, to anticipate what he or she is thinking, and is about to do next. This is difficult if you've only just met someone, and much easier if you've played together before. You'll note that I said 'do it properly', as if to imply there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. I happen to think that there is; a good cyber sex scene will flow easily, both partners will do things in a natural order, and the descriptions of each activity will be a joy to read, and in many cases will be quite erotic. Bad cyber sex is like bad real sex; both partners end up dissatisfied with the experience, or angry or fed up with each other. In order to ensure that doesn't happen, ya gotta do it right!

For me, cybersex is a little bit like acting; you have to set the stage, get clear in your mind what you're doing and what your partner is doing and saying your lines in turn. Consequently, there are a few steps that I suggest you might want to follow.

Set the scene

Forget the fact that you're looking at a computer screen. You need to visualise that you're somewhere with a partner; it might be a simple living room, it might be a forest glade, at a table in a restaurant - whatever! Imagine where you're sitting, what you're wearing, if the location is warm, cold, brightly lit, what furnishings there are, and so on. You might want to emphasis particular features to further the visualisation. So if I was in a wooded glade with someone I might start by doing something like: :

Jaggery sits down with his back to a tree and smiles up at you. He wonders if you might like to sit on the grass next to him.

In a brief line you've identified where you are, what you're doing, and suggesting what your partner might like to do. You don't need to do an amazing amount of descriptive work, since your partner can fill in the mental details for herself. Alternatively, you might try:

Jaggery slowly walks around the dining room, admiring the Gothic furnishings, lighting candles on the mantelpiece, putting the room into a soft light.

I'm sure that you get the picture - in both meanings of the word! You might also want to describe yourself; it can be very disconcerting if you imagine your partner is a 6' rugby player, only to find out late in the scene that he pictures himself as small and rotund! The more you can provide your partner with visual clues about how you look, the better the scene will work. Trust me on this - I once played out a session imagining that my partner was very busty, and it turned out that she saw herself as flat chested; it made a lot of my descriptive work look rather silly, as I'm sure you can imagine! You don't need to make a big deal out of this, since it can be as simple as saying:

Jaggery settles down on the floor, stretching out his long legs in front of him, crossing them at the ankles.

Consequently, we both have a picture of what I look like (or at least, what I'd like to look like, since I'm not exactly that tall in real life. But hey, this is cyber sex; if I want to be a six footer, I damn well can be!!

Making the first move

Doesn't matter which of you does this of course. All I'd suggest is, as in real life, take it slowly, and build things up step by step. Lean across and just kiss her gently, or say something like It's hot, isn't it! and you can rest assured that he'll offer to help you remove some of your clothing!

Watch what your partner is doing - it's very easy to type out a long sentence about lying down next to her and taking her in your arms, but if she's just typed that she's got up and walked across to the other side of the room you'll feel like a plank! Worse, it makes things difficult, since you've lost the visualisation - is she on the floor with you or not? It can lead to a couple of minutes of confusion until you get things right again.

Take things easily; if you have to rush it because you've got something else you have to do, perhaps consider leaving it until another time. There is nothing worse than having to rush a cyber sex session!

Description, description, description

That's what it's all about. Everything has to be described to a level that you can both follow easily. I often notice on IRC channels that people speak in first person, and act as though no-one else exists. My opinion is that it's always better to speak in third person until you're both alone. This is because in IRC, you are there in third person - people see 'Jaggery', they don't see you, or me. Look at the following two sentences - which one makes more sense to you?

Jaggery gets up and walks across the room and I get you a glass of water.

Jaggery gets up and walks across the room and he gets Jane a glass of water.

Neither are perfect, but the first is much worse in my view. It simply doesn't make sense! The second is a little better, except if you happen to be Jane, but for anyone else reading that it works perfectly. Due to the dreadfully primitive way in which IRC works, it's not possible to let Jane see the word 'you' while ensuring that everyone else sees 'Jane' (though this can easily be done in even simple multi user games), and until it does, we have to make the best of it.

Of course, once you're in private, things are a lot easier, though we're still stuck with the name at the beginning of each sentence. This can be a real pain if you want to describe something happening, although there are ways around it. It would be much better to read:

It starts to rain

rather than having to type

Jaggery notices that it starts to rain

but we can't do that. (In some multi user games it is of course perfectly possible, and if it is, do it like that!) I tend to use [ ... ] to indicate that something is happening like that; it's an artificial construct for sure, but after a bit, you simply don't notice it. So in the example above you'd end up with:

Jaggery: [It starts to rain]

which isn't great, but it works.

Having emphasised the importance of description, I'm now going to contradict myself. (I'm a rascal, we do that. In fact, it's what we do best). Describe as much as you need to. If you do too much it can take ages to type, your partner thinks you've fallen asleep, or he's typed something to fill in the space which contradicts what you're busy writing. Unless it's vital, it generally works best if you type something like:

Jaggery kisses the palm of your hand gently

which allows your partner to decide for herself which hand is being kissed. Try whenever possible not to force your partner into doing something; this is a joint effort here, and whatever you do, don't tell her what she's thinking or doing! And example of the latter is:

Jaggery kisses you, making you faint clean away.

It's possible that your partner doesn't think anything of the sort (though obviously mine always do, because I'm so damn good!). You've put her in a position where she's got to either faint, fall to the ground, come around quickly or something else entirely. Whatever it is, it's not her choice; you've forced her into it, and that seldom works well.

What if I get turned on?

Up to you entirely. Usually I don't, because I'm too busy writing or reading what my partner has written, or thinking what to do next to have any time to get turned on by all this stuff (though I'd be a liar if I said that sometimes I wasn't). If you want to indulge in one handed typing, that's up to you, but generally it slows down the speed at which you can type, and your mind isn't on the job in hand. Hmmm, maybe I should re-phrase that? Nah, sod it, you know exactly what I mean! For me, the scene is generally much more important that immediate physical gratification.

However, that doesn't mean it has to be for you. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't write stuff which is very specifically designed to turn someone on, and as long as you both know what you're doing, go for it. I'd be inclined to wait until the scene is over though (speaking theoretically, of course), before telling my partner how turned on she's got me. That can then easily lead into another situation entirely......

Cyber sex for real

By this I mean forgetting the roleplay stuff - you're at your computer, and she's at hers. And you want to get off on each other. A very different situation indeed, and forget much of the stuff I've already scribbled. It's not something that I do, but plenty of others do. In such a situation, it's very much more just using the computer to communicate, obviously, and typing something such as 'touch yourself for me' is pretty clear. Even there though, lots of description helps... it's much more erotic for someone to tell you how turned on they are, rather than go off into their own private reverie; you want to share your excitement and arousal, so you've gotta type something!

The only point that I'd particularly make here is to be clear at the outset if you're doing it for real, or playing a scene. It's easy to get confused about this; I once told a partner that I wanted her to undress for me. I was expecting a description of how she was taking her clothes off and what she looked like naked. What I got after 5 minutes of waiting was 'okay - I've taken my clothes off and it's bloody cold!'. Whoops.


Cyber sex is dangerous. I'll repeat that. Cyber sex is dangerous. In some ways (ok, all ways) it's the safest physical form of sex that you can have. Mentally it can be lethal. You build up a picture of your partner in your mind, but it's YOUR picture, it's not them. They might not even be the sex that they claim to be for God's sake! Don't take anything for granted. And whatever you do... DON'T GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED!. I've seen far too many friends get upset by an online cyber romance that doesn't work out in real life, because they've read too much into it.

Just because someone says something in a cyber scene doesn't mean it's true, or that they mean it. You simply cannot rely on this. I've had really good cyber scenes with people that I don't particularly like in real life, but they are good players, and if it's all well done, I'm likely to enjoy it. And the opposite has happened - I've got on very well with people in a cyber situation, but really not got on with them when we've met.

Also don't forget, although you may have been extremely intimate with someone online, don't take it for granted that you can be that intimate when you meet - it's an entirely different situation, and you've got to start almost from scratch again.

Cyber sex - the conclusions

I think it's excellent; it's good fun, intellectually stimulating (er, to say the least sometimes), and it keeps you off the streets. If it's badly done, forget it, it's just a waste of time. If you want to do it, and you can find someone who wants to do it with you, go for it, enjoy it, and see it for what it is, just a bit of fun on the ole computer. The more you do it, the better at it you'll become. (Note to any potential partners out there... I've been doing cyber sex for over a decade now...) For it to work, it's got to be believable, and fully engage the person you're playing with. You need to be literate, a good speller, a fast typist and be able to ad lib. All of those things can come with practice, so give it a go!

contributed by Jaggery the Rascal - © remains with the author.

top of page