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Formatting Your Floppy
by Chris Bridges

Quick! Think of a penis!

I'd be willing to bet that for the majority of you, the first thing that came to your mind's eye was an erect willie. Could have been any color, could have been any size, but most likely it was pointing skyward. And that's certainly natural; if you reached your sexual maturity any time in the last 50 years you've been trained by society to think of the penis as a tool, a powerful symbol of manhood, even as a weapon. I'd like you to think of it, just for a moment, as a play toy.

Penises can be a lot of fun, no matter what degree of rigidity they may be currently displaying, and there's no reason to think that your favorite wonker is only worthwhile if it's upright. There's all sorts of things to do with it while it's in its dormant state, and for once you can relax and enjoy the moment before the urgency starts to build. Get him while he's asleep, or just out of the shower, or just completely unsuspecting. Also, it is a truth of nature that at some point in your life you will encounter a cock that flatly refuses to cooperate with your intentions, whether it be your own or the prick of a loved one. It'll happen, and there are as many reasons for impotence as there are men. He could be limp because he's tired, or drunk, or worried, or stressed, or not feeling well, or nervous, or stoned, or cold, or hot, or anxious, or asleep, or uptight, or too excited, or because his Paxil hasn't kicked in, or because it has, or he's really not interested, or even because he just used it twice in the last hour. The causes and cures for impotence could fill volumes (and they have), and we're not here for a psychological treatise, but I offer you this: Imagine the weight of the psychic load that will lift if he produces a wet noodle and you respond with eagerness and joy instead of disappointment and disgust.

Whatever the reason, there's a soft pile of male organ there. What now?

Study it. You can read about it in those funky paperback books with names like "The Sensual Prong" but you really need to see a real one up close to understand what they're talking about, and it's much easier to examine this doodad when it's sleepy. Caress it, squeeze it, and let it loll across your hand. The mushroom-looking-bit at the top is the head, or glans. At this point the head is soft and spongy and not at all like the tight throbbing sword point it can become. Peek in the hole and see if you can see anything coming. There's a line leading from the underneath of the head down to the base - that's the urethra, and it's a sensitive place indeed. Should you ever feel the urge to run your tongue down a part of your man's body, that's a dandy place to begin. The skin around your buddy there is loose and moves easily, so move it. Slip it around and feel this odd little worm move with it. The testicles are safe underneath and they'll seem bigger now than they usually do during the festivities, since the sack of skin they're in (the scrotum) is loose and dangly and relaxed.

Grasp the tip of the willie carefully and stretch it out to get an idea of how long it will become once the blood starts pumpin'. Penii vary greatly when it comes to comparing limp vs erect sizes -- some men shoot from peanut to logger, some just change direction without changing size, the majority are somewhere in between.

Play with it! Don't worry about how to get it angry, don't start stroking it frantically hoping for wood -- fast friction on a soft dry tallywhacker can hurt! You can treat it as a challenge, or you can toy with it as it is. There are some advantages: you can probably get the whole thing in your mouth without hurting yourself, and there's room to swirl it around in there. Let your tongue wrestle with it. You might even be able to get the whole three-piece set in there, and wouldn't that make a nice visual for your man? There are few feelings more interesting than growing erect inside a lover's mouth.

Use it to spread lotion on yourself. Nipples dry out so easily, and the head makes such a nifty applicator. The little mushroom ridge catches just the right way on an erect nipple, have you noticed? And there's nothing like rolling baby oil around your throat and face with a warm friend.

Hump it. Push your mound up against that little nub and grind away. While it can't compete with the iron-man version for penetration, you'll find that it's just sturdy enough to keep your clit happily occupied without rubbing you raw. Dip it in Kama Sutra massage oil and run it up and down between your lower lips just to feel 'em open up. Hold the end firmly, whip it across your clit and see if you can get yourself off before it gets out of your control. Rub yourself all over with it -- you'll discover a soft, warm, velvety feel that's remarkably sensuous.

Use your hands. Caress it, stroke it, pour lotion on it and rub it between your palms like you're making a Play-Do snake. Run it through your fingers and hold it like a fine cigar. Sniff the fine musky bouquet (don't snip off the end!) and puff away. Hold it like a pen and write your lover a sonnet, bat it softly between your paws, catch it in your toes, have him kneel over a Yes/No pendulum mat and ask it questions.

Fill some shot glasses with various liquids and use your new utensil to feed yourself. Just a quick dip into the chocolate pudding and a swipe through the whipped cream, or perhaps a dash of wine, and then pop it into your mouth and start the insanity. Be careful, caustic fluids getting into the little hole can stop the evening cold, but you can always use a spoon to drip some brandy over your fleshy spork to keep the chill away. Can you use it to get peanut butter out of a jar and into your mouth? How about M&M's?

Dress it up and have puppet shows. Slap it around and tell it to shape up. Get down there and have a face-to-face discussion. Balance the head on the tip of your fingernail and test your man's nerve. Press it to your closed eyelid to relieve headaches. Run it through your hair. Get some body paints and use the thick brush (would that be dingle-painting?). Drape it over Barbie's shoulder, give your stuffed bear something to be proud of, see how many ponytail ties you can get around it, anything!

Oddly enough, many of the things you can do to enjoy a soft pee-pee may suddenly result in a hard pee-pee, and I suppose that has its place too. But never treat a pouting penis as an insult -- learn to see it as an opportunity.

Whether the sex is gay, straight, or other, our main purpose is to explore some of the ways to add excitement to sex and relationships. We don't claim to know everything, but we'll do our best to find the people who do have answers for you (or sometimes we'll just tell you what we think). You can join in too -- send us your ideas, questions, opinions, and perspectives to howto@cleansheets.com.

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